I’ve been lonely my entire life, feeling like I’m begging for love. I never seem to get my fill. Everything confirms I’m fucking up or unlovable or not enough or too much. Too distant, too affectionate. I used to be critical of others and now I blame myself for everything. I NEED someone but don’t accept love from almost anyone who is willing to give it. I pride myself on having these fulfilling, close relationships. I love the way only an observer can. Accepting and from a distance. Less like love and more like a deep appreciation. As soon as I have a moment of love and closeness, I need a month of distance. In moments where I’m feeling particularly lonely, I long for some kind of connection. I beg the universe for somebody to see me or touch me. I don’t ever get it. I hate myself more. I tell myself what a failure I am and how it’s better for everyone that I went by in-noticed. Look how selfish I am. Look how we are all suffering and in need of love. Look how I’ve failed by waiting. I’m just as bad as the people I feel rejected by. A vicious cycle. I wait. I feel like my entire life I’ve just been waiting. I know that there is this love inside of me that is so loyal and dedicated and forgiving. I’ve been waiting for someone who won’t leave before I can start my life. I’m so willing to sacrifice myself for love. Whatever you want. Tell me what you’re doing so I can plan my life. I’ll be whoever/whatever you need me to be. But I need this missing piece. I’m scared to move without it, I’ve never made a decision for myself. All survival or for those I love. I don’t give a lot on a physical level because I’ve convinced myself I’m not a care taker or that no one wants me around or that there is someone who can do it better. I’m a last resort but dammit I’ll be there and I’ll love you more than you’ll know. But I’ll need time to be alone after because I’m actually maybe afraid to love anyone. Or to believe they might love me back.